31 August 2016

motherhood, back to school, and my paradox of emotions

The last two weeks of summer vacation felt crazy. My kids were in desperate need of structure and routine and I was too tired to give it to them. They were tired of playing the same games, it was too hot, they were too loud, there was too much laundry. We had school supplies and uniforms to buy and one last birthday party to throw. I longed for the first day of school, for the promise of quiet. Don’t get me wrong, we had a great summer. We even mostly enjoyed each other’s company. We had some super fun adventures, lots of good conversations, but we were all over all the togetherness.

My fourth grader was wearing his backpack around the house for a week.

farmers market adventuring with our pals

So you’d think all we’d feel was elation and joy as we drove to school that morning, I’d planned on doing a happy dance when I got back home. I asked my kids if they wanted me to drop them off in the carpool line or walk them to the door like so many other parents were doing.

“Just drop us off, Mom! We’re fine.”
I felt kind of grateful for that response. Proud of them, even, for being so independent.
But then we circled into the school lot and from the back of the van, Eddie quietly said, “Mom, can you walk me up?” 

“Oh buddy, we’re already in line. I’ll give you a big kiss as you get out.” 
But then, obviously, you’re in the rush of the carpool line and teachers are looking at you for efficient departures. He looked a little forlorn, but gave me a quick smile and they all hopped out. My heart sank as I watched them scurry off to the first and the fourth grade lines and the van door shut.

I swiftly pulled into a spot in the parking lot and made my way to their lines. Eddie’s face immediately brightened when he saw I’d come back. Big squeezes, a few kisses, and letting them know I would genuinely miss them and they were off. I shocked myself when tears suddenly appeared in my eyes and I realized summer was really over. And that even though it can be mass chaos with six kids all day, every day, and that I didn’t have one quiet moment to myself for twelve straight weeks, I was actually going to miss these little men who all of a sudden didn’t seem very little.

But now, here we are. Two days in and to God be the glory, my girls are all napping at the same time. It is so quiet I can formulate actual thoughts. During the day, when the sun is up. Miracles do happen, and sometimes they are tiny, but they are awesome.

My to do list, my catch-up-from-summer-madness list, currently has twenty two items to check off. But it still seems manageable because I have the hope of time and space to do it. Not only that, if I want to, I can even sit down IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY and relax with a cup of coffee, and maybe even my Netflix list. It’s been known to happen. So feel free to hit my up with suggestions on what to watch next. I’m currently obsessing over Marcella (if you liked the Killing, watch this. You will thank me.) and catching up on the second season of Madam Secretary, which I told you about before. If you haven’t seen it, start today, trust me.

And now I am off to do whatever I want for thirty more minutes. I mean, I don’t even know where to begin. And I know life is about to get crazy and the warm fuzzies from summer will soon wear off, but I’m even kind of excited to go pick up the rascals.

1 comment:

  1. You are a rock star and an incredible mama! I love how purely happy your kids look. *^_^*