a saddened heart

This is not a post I wanted to write.

Yesterday I should have been on a plane cross country to meet my baby.

Instead, around dawn, we got a call that our birthmother had changed her mind.

She'd gone into labor, texted our caseworker to tell her she wasn't going through with the adoption.

Instead of the conference call we were expecting to have with her,

we sat on our front porch, a little tearful and a little stunned.

I spent all of yesterday in a daze.

Though I knew this was a real possibility, it didn't make my heart ache less.

My hope and excitement and anticipation turned to sadness.

Having your adoption fall through sucks.

I can't really flower it up or search for just the right eloquent words to convey how it feels.

Even in my sorrow over the loss of this baby, I do know that God's got us.

I know that with suffering comes joy, and that even when things suck,

He's there.

 Probably even more so.

I am thankful that it happened before I met her,

before I flew far from my boys to bring her home.

Before she became "mine". 

I am grateful that I am walking through this with Nick,

that his sorrow is as deep as mine, and that we can both lean into Christ.

I have hope for the future, what our family will be.

I am excited to look back on this and see a bigger purpose.

I am praying for that baby and that this is the best thing for her.

I am praying for her mother and her heart and all the heaviness that this is for her.

It isn't easy, and that's okay.

It's okay to grieve this loss, to have an achy heart,

to feel bummed and think it sucks.

Because right now, it does.

But tomorrow is a new day

and His mercies are new every morning.

I'm thankful for that.