20 October 2011

worst case scenario

It's been a long couple of weeks as sickness has moved its way through every member of our household. Eddie got a gross little cold, then passed it onto George, then onto Nick and me. But then last weekend Lute got sick. It wasn't a cold, but a stomach bug that had him throwing up every night... but just once. And then he'd be fine until the next night.
And I kind of started to freak out.
I am a worst case scenario kind of girl. My mind goes to the most dramatic of conclusions. 
I envisioned needing to have tests run, and wondering if we'd missed some crucial signs that he had something much more significant than a stomach bug.

I will pause to say that he didn't. He is fine now, over it, and thank goodness we are all ok at the moment.

But having kids changed me. I used to be the anti-worrier. I would counsel people that worrying had no point. And while I know that in my head, my mind still goes to places that bring me to tears. Literally.

When Nick and I are away from one another overnight, I fret over farfetched possibilities of what could happen to him or the kids, if they're with him. Whenever my babies are on an adventure with grandparents or aunts and uncles, I think something tragic might happen. I check on my kids multiple times a night before I go to bed just to make sure they're safe. I worry that stomach bugs are terminal.

I haven't watched the news since my babies were born - the stories are too much for my heart to bear.

The thing is, if you know me, you'd probably never know any of this. (Unless you're my friend Rachel, because we're cut from the same cloth and our husbands stop us mid-conversation as all our worst case scenarios play out for all to hear.) 
I am actually a calm person, peaceful, quick with encouragement for others who are worried or anxious. I don't fret about the small stuff. In fact, I don't really fret too much about anything that is actually happening in real life, good or bad.

In the midst of all the heaviness on my heart in these moments, I have a choice. 
I can entertain these heavy thoughts, and follow the downward spiral and worry and become anxious.
I can stop, and realize that the reason I feel these things so deeply - like they are actually happening, even - is because I am so blessed with so much love around me. Deep, unending love for these babies, for my husband, for my family.
I don't want to live one day without any of them.

And I also want to realize that if I have to, I have a God whose all encompassing arms, whose all consuming love, is big enough to carry me through it. 


  1. It's a good thing you weren't the mom of you :-)

  2. Worry to same degree is good. It shows you care. But it doesn't do any good except to take a toll on our body. You said it just right. have faith and be positive. That can do more good than worrying. :)

  3. Lately I've been giving all of my worry and anxiety over to God, and I have had more peace than I've had in years. I am a worst case scenario person too though, and if I can't reach my husband or my child is with someone else, I also go through horrible scenarios in my mind. I like that you don't watch the news. I think that is SMART! I need to stop watching it as well. I need to make a lot of changes, and slowly but surely I am. :)

  4. and i hit publish too quickly.

    perfect reminder for me today! meditating on those scriptures tonight and LOVE corrie's quote.
    a fave.

    love you!

  5. This is always such a needed reminder!! Matthew 6:27 is another fave: "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

  6. Ummm yeah.
    Could have written this entire post.
    I am laid back. Like really laid back.
    But worry about BIG BIG stuff like you.
    Far fetched stuff.
    Like I almost didn't drive in the dark to dairy queen tonight by myself because I was afraid I might hit a deer and my children would be without a mother.
    I mean seriously... WHO THINKS OF THAT STUFF?! :) Yeah. That would be me. And you ;)
    So thankful to know I am not the only one who struggles with this!!!!
    Thankful for you and this post! Great reminder!

  7. I totally understand. My husband travels a lot for work and when he flies, I only think worst case scenario. It's horrible and unproductive, but it is what it is.

    Also, being a nurse...I always think the worst. Knowledge can be a bad thing sometimes!

  8. I don't like watching the news either, no news is ever good news on those things!

    Lovely Little Rants

  9. I truly understand. I freak out at the best case scenario.

    I also worry about things like letting my kids sleep at my inlaws and things like that.. like if thee worst thing were EVER, in the history of the world, going to happen, it would be THAT night, at their house. We came home early from vacation because of it..... *sigh*

    My husband is really good about settling me about the kids (and myself) when I assume the worst.. but somehow whenever he gets the SAME sickness, his seems always be the "life and death" version that lasts three times as long.... Hmmm, funny that how that works. ;)

  10. thank you for reminding me!

  11. as i was reading this i kept thinking, 'oh, she is singin' my song,' and then i got to the part where you mentioned my name and i thought, 'haha...yep!' and then i kept reading more of my song... :)
    i love the quote from corrie ten boom--so good--she is a wise lady. and of course phil. 4:6-7, even better.
    it's an awful feeling, this anxiety, and it's crazy how many mothers can relate! yet, it's somehow comforting knowing we're not alone, maybe?

  12. Oh man, I am the exact same way. Ever since I was a kid I tend to take a small issue or worry, and make it seem like life altering issue. Rarely are any of my worries worth the stress, but it's hard to tell myself not to. I can't imagine how much more I will worry when I have kids!

    I am so thankful for a God who loves to take our worries away. I just need to learn to give them away more often :).


  13. sweet words, friend. everything is in the palm of HIS hand.

  14. I continually pray over that verse, worry about nothing and pray about everything. I find that when I worry about things that are out of my control, I get myself into dizzy, versus giving everything unto God. Beautiful and sweet post!

  15. I think this is a common thing for Mama's to carry. Thank Jesus that his love is never ending and he loves our babes waaaaaay more than we can imagine. They are safer in his hands than mine and that is hard to wrap my head around sometimes.

  16. Found you on Followers Fest. So excited to see a blog about adoption. We're in the process of adopting our first!