15 August 2011

our adoption story: hurt and healing and God's goodness

I've said before that we always knew we'd adopt if God was willing. We didn't know when or how or where from, but it was in both of our hearts and we really hoped it'd become a reality. 

We'd always wanted a big family. We were so excited with the birth of our firstborn, there was no question about going for number two. My pregnancy was easy, his birth was quick, and taking care of him was honestly delightful. We'd hoped for our kids to be two years apart, and that was the plan. Our plan. God's was different. (That's usually the way it goes, I am starting to learn.)

Baby number two didn't come so easily. I worried, I talked to my doctor (more than once), I fretted and fussed and was disappointed a lot. When people asked when we wanted to have another, I silently felt heartbroken, wondering if it would ever happen.
After a lot of prayer and endless conversations, we thought maybe this was God nudging us to start the adoption process. It had always been on our hearts, after all. But was it the right time?

One night I was listening to my iPod, feeling particularly sorry for myself when The Valley Song by Jars of Clay started playing. 

You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to you

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures

And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

Every word resounded in my soul. I was in sorrow, and while I knew God was there, I wasn't sure He was listening. But I knew I needed to wait on Him, on His plan. Then the next song started playing. Give Me Your Eyes by Brandon Heath. I knew it wasn't coincidence.

Give me Your eyes for just one second
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me Your love for humanity
Give me Your arms for the broken-hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me Your eyes so I can see

It was time. Time for adoption and looking beyond myself, and realizing that if I would stop planning everything and just let go and trust, it was going to work out.

Turns out, it was going to work out beyond my wildest imagination.

And I am so grateful. Grateful beyond measure for these three little gifts. Grateful for God meeting me that night through song and knowing that He has a greater plan than we could ever dream of. 


  1. Ah...to "let go and let God". Funny how things seem to always work out when we do just that. Awesome story Carina!

  2. beautiful heart, carina. thanks for sharing. god is relentlessly merciful to his children. thanks for sharing-love learning your story!! xo

    (if you have time, you may be encouraged by our adoption story, "elijah's story" on the blog. god continues to amaze us!)

  3. Oh honey .... I didn't know you had been in such despair, beautiful of you to share this. Love you!

  4. His plans are always better than ours… we are learning that too, xoxo